All that I am is gone with your step

"Help me" I whispered in his ear. "I need help." Tears run down my cheeks and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't stop them. But it was okay- it was dark enough for him not to see. 
He brushed my hair. "Shhh. It'll be okay. Just close your eyes and dream sweat dreams. Close your eyes and think of somewhere. A big castle with fairies and elves and giants and dwarves..."
But all his words made faint shapes in my head, nothing stable, nothing intentse. Just faint white shapes in darkness. 
"More." I ordered."Give me colours."
"Blue." Of course he'd say blue.
"More." I repeated.
"Brown and yellow and green and purple... I want you to imagine every shade of purple. Every single one."
My mind refused again. I tried to block out the bad images, but my efforts didn't attribute at all. "It's a lost game, Harry, really. There's no point in trying. I just can't sleep."
"No!" he said, his voice urgent now- "You have to try. Try harder."
And I did. Just 'cause he said so. He had his way of persuading me. We went back to what we were doing before- he told me stories and I tried to picture them. He'd folded me in his arms like I was his teddy bear- and although it felt the safest place on earth, the pictures in my head never really pulled away. -Okay, this is me, planting and idea in your head. I say, 'dont think about elephants'. What are you thinking about? -Elephants.
I shook my head again. "It's just not going to work, Harry. It's not going to work. I can't, I can't. There must be some other way... some kind of forgetting.. I don't know...But I can't, I can't.."
He sighed. "Okay. Let's try another way."
"Okay."
Silence.
"What are you afraid of?"
What a demanding question. Difficult to answer. Everything. I'm afraid of everything. "I...I'm- I'm afraid of-" suddenly I'm breathing heavily, like there's not enough room in my lungs "I'm- afraid- of - letting- go."
"Letting go of what?" 
"Of reality. I'm afraid I won't be able to catch up with reality again if I let go once. I'm afraid I'll be lost in the side streets of my mind forever, never escaping my head."
"Like- like a comma?"
"No. No, worse than that. Much worse. Or maybe... who knows... Just don't- don't leave, okay? Just stay here with me.  Can you promise me that? Can you promise me you won't leave? Because all the time you've been away my life was like a dream; not really living, just killing time, not really realizing what was going on around me. Like I was about to faint... all the time... I had my senses but I wasn't really aware of my surroundings.. "
The minutes he remained silenced killed me one by one. "I'm not gonna leave. I promise."
"Good." I said simply.
"The pictures- the bad ones- what are they?" in a rush to change the subject. Oh, and for a moment I had forgotten...
But at this I didn't respond. I just burried my face deeper in his chest and after a while he started humming. I let go. After so long, I let go. No self- defence against darkness, no waking up after every dream. For once after so long I slept a full night's sleep. And for once after so long... no, no, I'm not gonna say I was happy. When I woke up, he'd left again. He always left in the mornings. And you know what? I wouldn't be happy if he stayed for the day. Although I motherfucking miss you...